It’s a Rave in a Cave!

osama-bin-laden-captured

You know it’s true.  Al Qaeda is having a party in some cave in Pakistan.  I can just hear Osama Bin Stupid shoutin’, “Just raise your hands in the air!  Wave ’em like ya just don’t care!  Now scream…”  Not missing their cue, the party of terrorists scream, “Praise be to Allah!”  You know it’s true.  President Barack Hussein Obama has given them much cause to celebrate:

Obama

With just a couple south paw signatures, our Commander-In-Chief has started the process of closing down one of the world’s most important terrorist holding facilities (namely, Guantanamo).  You’ve got to be happy for the terrorists.  Many will be moved to much more comfortable facilities and a lucky few will be released! 

Score one for the terrorists!

With my most sarcastic apologies to Amnesty International, I must say that I will miss Guantanamo.  I will miss the footage of terrorists living with chain link fences as their walls, completely exposed to the elements.  We have been more than gracious to allow them an hour a day of exercise and to provide five daily calls to prayer.  There’s even a nice plush recliner available to them for their most popular recreational activity, interrogation! 

Speaking of which, President Obama has also done away with “harsh” interrogation tactics.  After 9/11, President Bush made it his top priority to keep the homeland safe from terrorist attack.  He succeeded.  A number of attempts were thwarted as a direct result of intelligence gathered from Guantanamo and other holding sites.  The Bush administration gave the military and CIA what they needed to do their job.  Here’s what it looked like pre-Obama:

INTERROGATOR: Okay, dirt bag, when and where is the next strike?

TERRORIST: I spit on your mother’s grave.  Praise be to Allah!

INT: (turns to assistant interrogator) Hey, go get Sergeant McTorture.

TERR: You can’t do this, you infidel.  I am protected by the Geneva Convention.  Well, mostly by Democrats, but a little bit by the Geneva Convention.  Praise be to Allah!

Sgt. McTorture walks into the room with a bucket of water.

INT: Did your friends out there tell you about Sgt. McTorture and his “Water Bucket of Doom”?

TERR: *gulp*

INT: One last time, dirt bag, when and where is the next strike?

TERR: In the name of Allah, you can’t break me–

INT: Okay, have it your way.  Sgt. McTorture… start the waterboarding.

TERR: Starbucks in south Manhattan at 6:54 am two Mondays from now!

Then the Navy Seals are deployed to said location and stop the attack.  How nice is that?  For those of you who’ve been living in a cave (and not part of al Qaeda), waterboarding is an ingenius interrogation technique that makes the terrorist feel like he is drowning.  His life is never really in danger, he is just absolutely convinced he is going to die.  Not a very comfortable position to be in, no doubt, but is it torture?  I think any of Saddam Hussein’s henchmen would just about die laughing at the question.  Now with the new administration, here’s what interrogations will look like.

INTERROGATOR: Hello, Mr. Ahmed Muhammad Muhammad Sheik Ali.  How are you doing today?

TERRORIST: I spit on your mother’s grave, you filthy infidel!

INT: I must apologize for your accomodations, sir, the Ritz-Carlton was all booked, but rest assured the Four Seasons Executive Suite you’re currently in is just temporary.  I trust you’ve enjoyed your sparkling water and plush bath robe.

TERR: I throw shoes at your grandmother!  Well, I wouldn’t throw these Nike Zoom Kobe MVP sneakers your government has provided, but you understand the middle eastern insult, right?  Praise be to Allah!

INT: Any-whoooo… I just need to ask you a couple questions and we should be able to get you down to the spa in time for your mani-pedi.  Is that acceptable?

TERR: (checks Blackberry) Fine, my appointment isn’t until 2:45 pm.  You may proceed, capitalist pig!

INT: Mr. Ali, sir, if you would be so kind as to tell us when and where the next terrorist strike would be, we would be most appreciative.

TERR: May all the enemies of the most high Allah burn for eternity!

INT: Please?

TER: Never!

In frustration, the interrogator reluctantly considers pulling out the harshest technique allowed by the Obama administration.  By direct order of the President, this is to be a last resort.  Sweat beads on his forehead.  His pulse races in nervous agony as he second guesses himself.  Finally, he pushes away all inhibitions, not concerned with the consequences.  He must protect the Homeland!  He leans over to the terrorist, just inches from his face…

INT: Pretty please?

So, in his first couple days, President Obama has handcuffed interrogators and paved the way for a more comfortable stay for terrorists.  Amnesty International is thrilled!  But they’re not the only ones.  Osama Bin Laden and his boys are jumping for joy in those caves!  President Obama promised change, and here you go.

President Bush never gave the terrorists reason to celebrate.

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24 comments so far

  1. terry on

    “checks blackberry”

    Goodness, man, I spit my pepsi out all over my keyboard! I’m suing for damages. Hilarious!

  2. jenmarie on

    lol, so true! As MSNBC said “A key question facing Obama’s new administration is what to do with the 245 prisoners still confined at Guantanamo. That means finding new detention facilities for hard-core prisoners while trying to determine which detainees are harmless enough to release.” Harmless enough to release? Was there even a reason we had them there in the first place then? (sarcasm)

  3. Marilyn on

    This might turn into a class action law suit. Perfectly good Starbucks latte all over lap top. Just great. Gotta love Sgt. McTorture!

  4. bayareabob on

    Can’t…breathe…

    Terrorists getting mani-pedis! Wow!

  5. James on

    i’m lucky my cup of coffee was empty as I read this… keep it coming jay.

  6. Becka on

    You sure have a way with words. I loved the cheerleading at the beginning! lol 🙂 I heard they were thinking of putting a prison in Kansas for them – could be just a rumor though. That would be even worse! “oops! One got away and now he is free to roam in all of America. How did we let this happen?” lol Of course, living in Kansas might not be so fun……lol

  7. Renae on

    lol I think we should reopen Alcatraz! Can’t be any worse than where they are at! 🙂 I love it Jay! I am so glad you have a blog to share your wonderful insight and comedic thoughts! 🙂

  8. S.J. on

    AHHH!!! Love it, Jay! So much awesomeness in one post I can barely handle it! The insults, the way you’ve completely butchered political correctness… sheer genius!
    When President Obama was first elected, notice how so many nations (nations that were again us, might I add) were leaping for joy? Yeah…um, when nations against us start partying over who’s become our new President shouldn’t we be a wee bit worried???
    Man, those politically correct Obama lovers (blech!) are going to be ALL OVER this post. I’m sure that a few have stopped by already but have been thwarted by the comment police (good thing too). Keep up the awesome blogging!!

  9. jaynepomuceno on

    Are you kidding me? Over 350 hits and not one hater? Did I not make anyone mad? This may be somewhat demented, but I’m pretty disappointed.

  10. S.J. on

    Aw don’t worry Jay! I’m sure the haters will come!!! Maybe they’re just too busy partying like all the terrorists… let them take their time. 🙂

  11. gnet on

    funny one!
    stumbled upon yours through alphainvention 🙂
    keep it up! 😀

  12. jaynepomuceno on

    Why, thank you kindly. Come by again, gnet!

    S.J., a couple haters sounded off over night but they’ve got to do better than calling me a loser or wacko to get approved. But at least I’m feeling better about myself!

    Where’s fearthefro?

  13. lonestarpreacher on

    favorite lines: sarge mctorture walks in with waterbucket, i throw shoes at your grandmother, pretty please (that’s harsh!). but what’s a mani-pedi?

  14. janet2000 on

    My husband said Sgt McTorture should be promoted to General right away! Then again, with our new President, he’s probably been relegated to kitchen duty. Bring back Sgt McTorture!

    By the way, a mani-pedi is a manicure and pedicure. How does the BBQthdirector know that? Hmmmm… 🙂

  15. jaynepomuceno on

    Gotta keep those nails trimmed!

    Actually, my wife was a licensed cosmetologist in a previous life. That explains my unusual knowledge of spa treatments. Free haircuts and facials are the best! I’m considering blonde highlights and a perm. What does everyone think?

    Whoever tried to come in as “fearthefro” is a loser. Your fake email and sorry attempt at ebonics was really bad. I was tempted to publish it just for cheap entertainment for my readers, but didn’t wanna open up that can of worms.

  16. princecharlesofperadale on

    Wow… first time here in a while. You are the best Jay. Excellent job. I see you have quite a few readers. My favorite here was the fact that the terrorist had two “Muhammad’s” right next to each other in his name. wow. good job! (very accurate btw)

  17. jaynepomuceno on

    Woah, Ang, welcome back! You’ve got to get your priorities right and come by more regularly. Like, daily would be a good start.

  18. cassie on

    found you on alphainventions too! seems like your next step is a “sergeant mctorture” movie!

  19. jaynepomuceno on

    Cassie, you’re a genious! I’ll have to work on that. Thanks for coming by, hope you become a regular.

  20. fearthefro on

    here i am! you got to be kiding watrboarding is torture. makes us look bad. mctorture is pretty funny though

    ebonics? i’m actually white. i choose the screen name cuz fan of ben wallace when he was with my pistons. i love to see it bring out the racists!

  21. ocnative on

    Not so sure if i’m in full agreement with this one. I think christians need to be against torture. The end does not justify the means. That being said, Sgt. McTorture can definitely be the next great action hero! And the visual of terrorists getting spa treatments is just too much. LO-very-L!

  22. Matt Dubya on

    “Cassie, you’re a genious!”
    While Sgt. McTorture is definitely genius, unfortunately your spelling wasn’t…
    : ) Hehe! Just had to point that out ’cause it was bothering me!

  23. Becka on

    Matt Dubya always points out spelling and grammatical errors. Don’t take it personally! lol I was tempted to put one in here just to annoy Matt Dubya, but….hopefully I didn’t accidentally! lol

  24. jaynepomuceno on

    Ooops! Just don’t sick sarge on me!


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