Brown Baggin’ w/ Saltines


About the only thing more bland than saltine crackers would be air.  I can enjoy the buttery goodness of Ritz crackers and even the pseudo-cheesiness of Cheez Its, but the over simplicity of the saltine leaves much to be desired.  I can hear my taste buds say, “Dude, what was the point of that?”  Saltines pretty much serve as a delivery system for something tasty.  Peanut butter or summer sausage or flavored cream cheese make wonderful toppings.  Saltines can also be very useful for youth group ice breakers.  One of my favorites is to have teens eat five crackers then be the first to whistle.  It’s pretty funny watching them blow out a poof of saltine crumbs as they make their first attempts at whistling.  Saltines are so dry that an opened package could lower the humidity of central Florida.  Imagine what they do to the inside of your mouth.

I have been so fortunate to live close enough to the church to take my lunch break at home.  Usually awaiting my noon-ish arrival is a hot, fresh, home-cooked meal (aside from the red carpet, processional of trumpets, etc.).  Lunch-time fare includes such favorites as chile, tri tip carne asada, eggplant parmesan and an array of BBQ’d meats (very rarely will the BBQthDirector’s Wife serve up a sandwich for lunch; yes, I’m spoiled rotten!).  But the other day, my wife attended a major autism conference in Riverside.  She dropped us all off at the office at 7:00 am, and since I’m still suffering from the “Ankle Fracture of Doom”, I was trapped on campus all day (yes, Becka, that was a buminator!).  For the first time in a very long time (maybe since high school?), I brown bagged it for lunch.  Packed neatly into a P.F. Chang’s bag was a perfectly spotted banana, a ham and cheese sammy on whole wheat and a small bag of saltines.  I searched the bag for a small container of peanut butter or sliced cheese.  Nothing.  How in the world was I supposed to eat those crackers?  For a brief moment, I considered slicing up my banana to use as a topping.  I thought about raiding the church kitchen for something–anything–to help me choke those things down.  But, alas, I was too lazy to hobble over there on my crutches.  I looked at my trash can.  I looked at my saltines.  I looked at my trash can again.  Something, and I’m not sure what, stopped me from tossing them in.

I started with the banana since I considered it dessert.  Hey, I truly believe the Lord can return at any moment.  I’m just trying to live my faith by starting with dessert!  I promptly started into my sandwich, which was lovingly slathered with mayo and mustard.  It was then that I was awakened to the answer to my saltine dilemma!  Eat the crackers with my sammy!  The moisture from the mayo and mustard will protect me from the Sahara Desert of the food world.  Maybe, just maybe, I would be able to whistle.  Each bite of the ham, cheese, mayo, and mustard sammy was followed by a bite of a cracker.  It worked!  And I actually enjoyed the saltines.  Don’t get me wrong, saltines aren’t replacing Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles as my sandwich side-kick of choice, but I’ve developed a deeper appreciation for them. 

They’re not just for ice breakers anymore!


11 comments so far

  1. Renae on

    lol I am glad you found a way to enjoy something you don’t usually eat! 🙂 At least you didn’t have to eat them with sardines! That is just a nasty thought! 🙂

  2. Daniel Ashton on

    Maybe I am weird, but I actually like eating plain saltine crackers.

  3. jaynepomuceno on

    Renae, I actually thought about your dad when I wrote this. I like a decent amount of mayo on my sammy, but your dad likes a little bread and meat to garnish his mayo, if you know what I mean!

    Daniel, really? Just plain, like you’re eating chips? I’m sure you need a tall glass of water, though.

  4. Daniel Ashton on

    Nope, just a pack of plain crackers.

  5. jenmarie on

    lol. I’m with you on the saltines!!
    Maybe your “lunch maker” was trying to help you appreciate the hot meal that you normally get? 🙂
    Maybe I will try and bring back some Swiss saltine crackers 😉 jk

  6. Robb on

    wat dude jay!.. saltines are my fave cracker ever.. i love them.. i could eat them all day.. i cant beleive u jay.. see i would have never continued to come to this church if i would have known the youth pastor was in such sin… but am in to far now i guess!!! all i can say is get right with God!!!

  7. jaynepomuceno on

    Plain saltines? No peanut butter or cheese? Seriously? I’m taking away your Navy S.E.A.L. status.

    Swiss saltines, huh? Covered in chocolate?

  8. Jane on

    You know what I cannot believe is my little bro’s bad grammar and spelling!!! My word!!! But I agree with you about the saltines. If I eat them it’s with some cheese or cold-cuts.

  9. Robb on

    jay.. part of the reason am such a great S.E.A.L. is because my saltine fuiled body.. in fact am eating them right now plain.. while am doing my S.E.A.L. push ups!!!

  10. Becka on

    Hmm… I have to agree with you Jay, saltines aren’t my cracker of choice either. I definitely like something to go with them (the only good use is to cover my soup with them). I truly wished they reduced humidity for then I would empty the store shelves in my rush to try to dehumidify my home in the summer! 🙂 I like saltines with toppings, but plain….well, I’d have to be really hungry and have no other snacking resource around. lol

    Btw, I’m working on a dictionary. I’ll let you know when it’s up for sale so you can have a host of new words. lol

  11. janet2000 on

    My kiddos loved saltines for awhile. I made the mistakes of bringing cheeze its into the house and I guess I raised the bar too high. They won’t go back to the saltines! Too bad, saltines are so much cheaper!

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