Dental Implants: A New Form of Torture

One fateful August day in Wyoming, a rogue bone in a chicken patty cracked one of my molars.  The dentist said that an implant was definitely the way to go.  I agreed, and he proceeded to rip the cracked molar out of my head.  I was quite thankful for the local anesthetic that was administered, but wondered why the molar refused to be detached.  The dentist almost had to put his foot on my face to get it out.

With the casualty of the chicken bone of doom out of the way, out came the power tools.  I really had no idea what I was getting myself into, but really started to worry when I heard the industrial strength drill get going.  When he donned a welding mask, I started to shamelessly cry for my mommy.  Then the sick-o dentist had the crazy idea to add another hole to my skull.  There was no pain initially, but the smell of burning bone was quite troubling.  Then the anesthetic began to wear off.

Yeah, bummer.

With my mouth filled with drool, bone shavings, and a number of dental tools, I somehow told the doctor that I was starting to hurt.  I’ve got to give him credit for deciphering my desperate message.  Maybe it was the high pitched scream that gave it away.

“I’m almost done,” he said as he hastily screwed in the bolt.  About ten seconds later, my upper jaw throbbing in agony, he held up both hands and said, “Done.”

I had never felt more hatred toward a human being.  I took a few deep breaths, calmed down and tried to hide the severe pain I was in.  In a couple minutes, someone explained that it would take a few months to allow the bone and bolt to properly fuse together to complete the implant.  That was fine by me, as I was in no hurry to return to this Al-Qaeda terrorist training camp.

Well, the required healing took place and I went back so they could finish me off.  It was clear that the dentist had not received the proper treatment for his psychopathic tendencies.

“I’m gonna torque it real hard, and if it doesn’t hurt, we’ll proceed.”

Yeah, happy new year to you, too, pal.  How ’bout if it hurts, I torque your head real hard!

I don’t know why, but I actually opened up my mouth and allowed him to torque away.  He torqued so hard, my head vibrated.  It didn’t hurt, so we moved on.  Once again, they had to anesthetize the area, but I wish they would’ve just knocked me out.  Laughing gas, an oral sedative or a brick would all be fine.  But, noooooo, they had to send in Dr. Frankenstein with a syringe the size of a baseball bat.

“Okay, here’s the first small pinch.”

Good night, is everyone crazy in this office??  I think he pierced through the gums and went right into my pituitary gland.  Luckily, it did its job, and I was pleasantly numbed.  To make a long story just a bit longer, they bolted something onto the existing bolt with more drilling, tugging, scraping, pushing and evil laughter.  This time, the anesthetic didn’t wear out until I was on my out of the office. 

But when it did, I remembered why I hate the dentist.

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12 comments so far

  1. Renae on

    I am sorry you had to go through all that… I hate the dentist also, but my experience was a 7 year old, me, getting 4 cavities filled in one sitting… they problem was the cavities were all back in my 4 permanent teeth and they numbed my whole mouth. I have had a great fear of the dentist ever since!

  2. Becka on

    I didn’t use to hate the dentist. However, when I got my braces off, I spent an agonizing hour (or two) in the dentist office as that cruel-hearted man SCRAPED each tooth until their was no more tooth left. I didn’t know that your mouth could hurt so bad! No numbing, just a horrific scraping (complete with awful scraping sounds) to “get the cement off.” Yeah right. Pretty sure the sole reason of that visit was to ensure that I had no enamel left.

  3. gregg on

    absolutely hilarious! had me in tears!

  4. jenmarie on

    Ha ha, this reminds me of a post I was going to write once after going to the dentist. I think the worst was getting my wisdom teeth out…that wasn’t so much fun.

  5. Randy Smith on

    talk about trial and tribulation lol…I can almost feel the pain. Ok not really, but I know it had to be uncomfortable.

  6. Renae on

    Happy Birthday! I hope you have a good day!

  7. jaynepomuceno on

    Thanks, Renae!

  8. janet2000 on

    So funny! Was it Sgt. McTorture who did the procedure?

  9. Bob on

    Those back ones are very tough to get out sometimes because the roots can fuse to your jaw bone and your dentist must be careful not to fracture your jaw.

  10. Dan Reading on

    That photo is too funny! I am scared to death of the dentist so I couldnt even imagine having an implant done.

  11. […] crust or anything (which is what got this whole nightmare started–read the original story here).  It’s just a crazy implant.  The dentist said that once it was cemented in, it would be […]

  12. […] I figured it was time to go to the doctor.  The specialist our family doctor referred me to initially seemed skeptical, even suspicious.  He said my voice sounded fine to him but that he’d go ahead and take a look.  “Taking a look” was a little more complicated than the popsicle stick and say “Aaaaaaahhhhh!” treatment.  He sent a little scope down to take a look at my precious vocal chords … through my nostril.  It gave me a greater appreciation of the childhood saying, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!”  Still, stuff ought not be going that direction through your nasal passages.  It was quite uncomfortable, reminiscent of my experience at an Al Qaeda terrorist training camp that was disguised as a dentist’s office. […]


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